Greetings from a troubled lonely soul

Hello there.
Just some average looking girl here living in London, UK. Whether I like it or not, at the end of the day it is what it is - I am an actual incel - even if I may oppose the violence, and also the blame game usually… Good to see there’s still places where not everyone’s lost the plot yet (another one who found out about here due to the Beeb docu!)…

I am 22.5 and never been in a relationship, which still surprises people somehow. They think if I’m slender, blonde and blue-eyed, I’m gonna have it easy. Could not be more wrong though. In reality I am awkward, annoying, picky, old-fashioned, and just so different. On top of this I have Asperger’s (late diagnosis at 20! Ugh), likely ADHD, depression, and lord knows what else (some friends suspect I might be bipolar too).
People my age choose to go to stupid parties, get drunk like idiots, smoke suspicious stuff, and blindly pursue other “yolo” crap that won’t matter in 20 years’ time. I prefer to think forward into the future, about things that really matter in life. So true love, family, feelings, emotions, stability, curbing loneliness, building a solid foundation for everything. You ain’t gonna get any of that by shagging randoms :joy: Few minutes of pleasure and then what, life goes on, you’ve gained exactly nothing!

I may have been in love twice before, and it ended up nowhere. Sigh, teachers… I have a bad habit of falling for people out of my league, and even my current major Crush is there as well. (God I hope I don’t end up falling in love again because I don’t want or need another heartbreak…). Now before I get too far, I must add that I am also bisexual, homoflexible I’d say even, which opens a whole can of worms so to speak. You’d have thought this would help by widening the dating pool, but nope :joy: I get none of that. Classy feminine women that I fancy have very high standards which a scruffy awkward fool like me has no realistic chance of ever meeting. Of course I’ve tried, but to no avail. They either glare or clutch their boyfriend’s hand harder. There’s a saying I use a lot: “the man always wins”, it seems having something in your pants magically makes it 100x times easier to woo women. And the males can give them a baby as well! See why I would be at a losing position here by default? It’s a dead end. On top of this I also like mature women (in their 40s and such), and I mean a LOT, but tell me, why would any of them ever treat a little girl like me seriously…? Exactly… If they ever liked younger, it would be a toyboy who is at least equipped right physically… :disappointed:

Now I can’t go to a nightclubs or parties because I’d have a sensory overload immediately (it’s an autism thing). They also never play the music that I like (primarily 1980s) and are full of awfully behaved drunk people, yuckk! Not mentioning I cannot chat up to people to save my life, I am very shy and naturally a terrible conversationalist. Also kinda unfair to take advantage of intoxicated individuals who’d normally never even look at you, no? Then they sober up and run! I did however try Tinder in the past, and only ever got 2 swipes. One chick just wanted a fling (bet one of many…meh) and another girl wasn’t even intelligent enough to recognise my attempts at flirting, constantly asking “what do you mean?”, the convo just didn’t stick at all. After those I never matched with anybody and got put off the useless thing. I’m not gonna beg anyone on my knees to adore me…

Closest I legitimately got anywhere was few months funnily enough, some drunk handsome guy did chat to me on the night tube, and although normally I disregard those creeps (I mean those would even shag a dog if available), his looks happened to save him (god I’m so sorry if I hit a nerve here; mind you I expect myself to appear as desirable as possible in the first place, so it’s not just anyone who wants to impress me that has to look presentable, it all starts with me - I will get into more detail later). I wasn’t exactly most impressed about the silly pictures he was showing me on his phone, but we did end up chitchatting, and in a rare moment of realising a guy I do actually feel attracted to finally likes me back, I did let him embrace at one point and eventually kiss me. He did want me to come with him, but I ain’t a girl for it (plus my phone was on low battery by then), and instead I said that of course I want to meet again, just that I can’t go tonight, we should definitely meet another day. I got his phone number off him, and first thing I did was text him as soon as I woke up. But no response for hours. Nothing. I did try reaching out in the evening via WhatsApp, but the said number blocked me after few minutes 🤦 So there went my dream of finally breaking out the single cycle - the bloody bastard only wanted to sleep with me! I bet if he wasn’t drunk he wouldn’t even give me a second glance… Oh but I am not a man’s toy, I’ll never be…

Even till the present day I am pissed off about the way I’ve been treated. He could’ve had a quirky, faithful girl he’d never be bored with, very loving and supportive. Instead he chose to throw it all away. What’s with my generation and all this game playing?? Why is commitment so scary? One of my taken mates whose bodycount is ~10 (no comment) tried to blame me for it not working out because I did not come with him, believe it or not!! But I ain’t having it! See it’s funny how people can accept some individuals will not have sex outside marriage, yet those who refuse to have sexual relations with people they’re not in a relationship with magically end up getting slated. Noooo, nope. I’m agnostic, I have my morals, they’re there to protect me, and I’m going to stick with them, no matter how desperate. I still have my dignity left.

Now I know a big reason why I’m undesirable is because I’m simply not good-looking enough. It’s facts. All I need to do is look in the mirror, then it’s all clear as day. My nose is enormous, my chin is ***ed, my lips ain’t plump enough, my smile lines are as thick as an old lady’s, my whole face just looks crooked, I could go on… Now some girls with a meh face manage to blind others with their big bust I’ve noticed, except I cannot do that for I’ve merely got a hump in my chest at all 🤦 Not much of an arse either, just no curves, flat as anything, not built like a woman should be. I absolutely detest myself and although I try to wear make-up a lot, let’s be fair, it doesn’t exactly change your facial structure, does it? 🤷‍♀ Wash it all off, there comes the real you. Push-up bra? Again, not only it’s cheating - once it’s gone, the harsh reality is revealed. To me humans are still animals and natural selection is working at its finest. You’re ugly - you will not get a mate, simple as that. If you want one, you’ve got to be attractive enough, which so far I’ve got proof that I ain’t, and it hurts. And although it would be the only potential rescue, I don’t accept plastic surgery for it’s fake, plus surgeries are terrifying af and actually scarring, and of course it’s also DNA being set in stone we’re talking about. No, nope. Instead I have to joke to myself whoever my life partner is going to be, it’s almost certainly going to have to be someone who is blind (if I even get that lucky…). Gawd, this sounded like a lot of false hope. That’s not how life is and I know that. Nobody’s actually coming. I mean who would be mentally insane enough to do that? Funnily enough one of my main hobbies is very male-dominated, and 2-3 of my friends happen to have a crush on me somehow, but they are also rather immature and not exactly my type, so it doesn’t really count, does it… 🤷‍♀ And before anyone says to give those guys a chance, I am going to politely decline, honestly - No. Attraction is a deeply scientific process and you cannot fake it. If it’s not there, it won’t be. I do not find myself physically attracted to either of them, so I’m not gonna pair up with them just because they like me. It’s got to be mutual. And this is where I have a big problem, because I never seem to get a situation (bar the damn train guy) where it actually is. It seems to be like a bloody jackpot draw on the lottery of life… And look what the odds are for one to win million on scratchcards alone!

So, here it goes… Feel like I ranted a lot, but had a lot to get off my chest. I’m living proof girls can be involuntarily incelibate too. Okay there might be some volcel elements here too, but I haven’t lost the plot enough yet to just go with any guy who wants my body, like some women. (Keep seeing that on TV etc). No, I will never go that path, no matter what.
Well what else can I say… The clock is ticking, I ain’t getting any younger and not exactly making any progress there :frowning: This doesn’t bide well for the future.

Why oh why, in the Divine Queue for Traits, I’ve grabbed so many weird ones and not spent enough time in the Beauty line? The consequences of this now hurt.
Shame as well as I’m also aware that if I ever got to a relationship, only then I’d have a realistic chance of beating depression, but at the moment there’s just nothing to hold onto - I get depressed further because I’m ugly and single, it’s a vicious cycle. Oh, and I certainly don’t believe in this bloody “you have to love yourself first for others to love you” propaganda phrase, it’s a total myth that was clearly made up by Chads and Staceys… I will self harm whenever I find it appropriate ok? Like one way I feel to make myself more desirable is to maintain a strict discipline, i.e no tolerance for mistakes, so that I am as close to perfection as possible and accepted by everyone. Any violation nowadays results in me either slapping myself or slashing my wrists. I’ve recently got driven so insane that I’ve slashed my face for the first time, which produced visible marks - but not much difference exactly when you’re already ugly :joy:
Oh and before anyone suggests mental health services, don’t think I haven’t tried, but the NHS (National Health Service) doesn’t give a flying damn about me! Waiting lists with no ETAs; that is if they’ve even bothered to refer me properly, which I bet they didn’t. Another dead patient is one less case to worry about for an already overloaded service so ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway I will wrap up here for now - I hope you enjoyed my small song lyric references in places :slight_smile:
Signed, A.

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Do you expect people to read all of that

welcome!

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drunk men on subways are not LTR material lol

Also welcome

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pics?

Know how you feel

:hugs:

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Don’t care either way actually… :upside_down_face:
Don’t want to then don’t.

Phew! So I’ve indeed dodged a bullet there.

Cared enough to let me know you don’t care

Awesome

I read the whole thing.
95% (or so) of what you said really resonated with me. you’re in good company here.

a good friend of mine recently said something like this to me. and it really struck me, I had heard it before but…
honestly, it’s not fair to ask someone to love us if we hate ourselves.
I don’t love myself, but I’ve stopped hating myself because I feel like I deserve to be hated.
we all want someone to love us. hating ourselves would make it really hard for them to feel… believed I guess?

glad you got all that out though, you sound like you were bottling that up for a while.

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Right, so prepare to get scarred. Myself, today, sans make up:

I totally forgot to say that I also happen to have acne, yes still, at 22 🤦 Gone for normal people ages ago but of course for some reason it won’t leave me alone - and I’ve been on antibiotics for months…

I don’t like myself because I am not as efficient as I should be, nor do I exactly have anything to be liked for either. 99% of the population won’t care I can recall the termini of every bus route in London…

found that just cutting out all processed foods got rid of my acne. Something to do with blood sugar spikes and oil production.

Honestly you acne is not that noticeable. Yes you have bulbous features, but on the whole most men woul find you attractive. Mostly because you are skinny, white, and your skin actually is good

You do not look like this woman

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that is a new one

This girl reminds me of Tahlia

welcome!

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you are NOT ugly. period.

your looks do not determine anyone else’s ability to love you.
if you perceive yourself to be ugly, then sure, it will affect ‘attraction’. but like you said, you’re not interested in mere attraction, you want more than a fling.
you don’t need to love yourself, but don’t hate yourself either.

I’m not going to sit here and flatter you. but will say that any flaws that you see will be easily overlooked by the right person.

finding that person is the problem. I know because I’m in the same boat.

You look great, btw!

Not sure what advice I can give you… I’m pretty average looking myself but I’d always get men messaging me on Tinder or talking up to me any time I’d dress up and go to a bar or a nightclub, even though I make it clear that I’m attracted to women.

I’ll never know what it’s like to be attracted to men, but I presume you’re probably not attracted to 90% of the men who do approach you and do give you a chance… which is OK.

One should never lower one’s standards, that’s not fair on the people you’re trying to force yourself to be attracted to anyway… (‘I only dated you because I can’t do any better!’)…

I personally like women who look like Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Evan Rachel Wood, etc. and I too would rather be single than lower my standards and date a chubby girl with tattoos and self-esteem issues.

But yeah, you are gonna have to work extra harder to elevate your looks + social status if you want to date people on that level of attractiveness. Stay on top of your hairstyle game, keep eyebrows neat (but don’t overdo it)… do wear makeup when posting Selfies on Tinder / going to bars… but not too much. Basic hygiene goes without saying. And yeah definitely Don’t be a downer or start oversharing on a first date.

Life is a brutal gladiator arena… and don’t let the comforts of civilization fool you into thinking otherwise.

Your lips are fine dude. It’s a weird fad now to have all these white girls injecting their lips. They aren’t huge, they aren’t small, just historically white and that’s fine. You’d prefer to look like Anna from Love Island? lol She looked ridiculous

you’re pretty decent looking, next time try taking a pic where you don’t come off across as you hate your life

English accents are so adorable

@Sorrowful_Skies You’re actually really pretty, I’m sure it’s just your personality. My personality has some issues as well. If you ever want someone to talk to, you can shoot me a PM (I don’t know how to private message people through this site) but you can PM me on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/j0hnisjohn

you can click on a users name, a small window highlighting their basic information pops out with a (for me its blue) “Message” button on the top right.